iBeth

The whole durned human comedy keeps perpetuating itself.

I just returned from a conference at BYU.  In the van from Provo to SLC was a Chinese man who spoke no English.  He showed us a card that said, "I do not speak English. Please help me find my flight," but it didn't say anything about which flight he needed.  Without knowing the airline, the van driver didn't know where to drop the poor guy off.  We tried everything we could think of to elicit the airline (many strategies, not just SPEAKING SLOWLY AND LOUDLY, haha) with no luck.

Then, the van driver spied a dark-haired man on the sidewalk lighting a cigarette.  "I'll bet that Chinaman can help us!" he cried, slamming on the brakes and leaping out of the van.  I cringed.  Not only is "Chinaman" not the preferred nomenclature, but just because someone looks Asian doesn't mean he speaks Chinese!

Well, wouldn't you know it, the cigarette guy did speak Chinese, and he spoke the same variety of Chinese as our passenger!  One quick conversation later and we were on our way to the correct terminal.  "I figured that Chinaman could help us," the driver said happily.  And he was right.

"Credit Card" has a new meaning

Most of the jokes my kids tell are the same jokes I remember from elementary school (you know, the "orange you glad I didn't say banana" jokes). But lately they have been giggling about something new. Nowadays, when you see someone's butt crack, you are supposed to holler, "Credit card!" I actually think that's kinda funny, but I have been trying not to let on, since we have enough butt-themed conversations in our family already.

In fact, tonight at Pizzeria Due's (the kids' first Chicago-style pizza--and they didn't like it *sigh*), Amelia embarked on yet another such conversation.

"DADDY," she said, in her habitual VERY LOUD voice, "YOU KNOW SOMETHING FUNNY? WHEN YOU YELL 'CREDIT CARD' THAT MEANS YOU WANT TO SLIDE IT IN SOMEONE'S BUTT CRACK."

"Amelia," I reminded her. "You know those words are not appropriate for a restaurant."

"SORRY," she said, then corrected her mistake. "DADDY, WHEN YOU YELL 'CREDIT CARD' THAT MEANS YOU WANT TO SLIDE IT IN SOMEONE'S *BOTTOM* CRACK."

Morphing the American Dream

What does it say about our culture that this original definition of the American Dream:

It is not a dream of motor cars and high wages merely, but a dream of social order in which each man and each woman shall be able to attain to the fullest stature of which they are innately capable, and be recognized by others for what they are, regardless of the fortuitous circumstances of birth or position.

Became this one:

The widespread aspiration of Americans to live better than their parents did.

Young In Name Only

Once, I was one of those young-looking faculty who could be (and sometimes was) taken for a student.  Overall, it wasn't a big deal, though I did occasionally fret about the triple-whammy of young, female, and short.

Those days are officially over.  I am still female and short, but the other day, a colleague complimented my haircut by saying, "The shorter length makes you look much younger." 

Oh well.  As Dave Barry put it, "You can only be young once. But you can always be immature." 

I want an "On Notice" board

Ever since joining Colbert Nation, I've wanted my own "Notice" board.  And who says that dreams can't come true?  Check this out!  Thank you, Jeff Lee!

Now all I need is a "Dead to Me" board.  (And I wish I could put the common cold on a Dead to Me board, but anyone who has been around me this week knows that colds certainly are NOT dead to me, darn it!)